They don't teach you this at school
by FieldOfEternalSnow
Summary: They didn't teach you this at school.. and they certainly didn't prepare jounins for this. So what is a man to do when he is faced with 3 teenagers on the brink of puberty? No pairs, pure crack and mild insanity that I like to call humor.
1. Chapter 1

**I wanted to write something funny and carckish and this just happened to pop into my head. Wasn't going to work on this seriously any time soon but I'm sick and couldn't write seriously to save my hamster... and I don't even have a hamster...  
**

**Rated to be on the safe side - some mentions of private parts and the like. **

They don't teach you this at school.

The Ninja academy of Konoha is a very prestigious school. A school that each year graduates students who go on to be some of the greatest shinobi of all the ninja villages. They are the fastest, strongest, sharpest and all in all deadliest ninjas out there. The academy teaches everything that a shinobi needs to know to fight and survive and it does it well.

While civilian schools teach their students how to read and write the ninja academy teaches it's students how to read, write, create and break codes and how to do all four things in the middle of a fight with nothing to work with except a piece of cloth from your own clothes and your, or your enemies, blood. While civilian children take home-economics classes pre-genins learn how to survive in the wilderness for months on end with nothing but the nature around you as a food source. While regular students learn how to draw little bunny rabbits the academy students learn how to draw seals. While civilians take P.E. pre-genins learn how to fight.

This, of course, is essential for any girl or boy to learn if he wants to become a shinobi. It does, how ever, leave a small, itty-bitty, tiny, little problem. You see, when civilian children are learning how to _actually_ live academy students are only learning how to _keep on_ living.

This of course is the main reason why shinobi are often considered just a _little_ bit eccentric... if you want to put it delicately. It's the main reason why shinobi very rarely know what on earth to do in social situations that have nothing to do with the job.

Because shinobis actually _are_ just tools. A hammer only knows how to hammer things in and, in some cases, how to pull things out. It does not know how to finely cut things in half like scissors, it does not know how to smear paint like a paintbrush and it certainly does not know how to brush teeth like a toothbrush because it wasn't made for that purpose.. and if you tried to use it for one of those purposes it would most likely end badly. Just like a shinobi was not trained to have small talk about the weather or why on earth you could possibly need three sets of flatware for a meal, a simple kunai would do just fine.

This of course was also the main reason why Kakashi, like so many, many, _many_, other new jounin instructors out there, would often run into situations with his students that he wouldn't have the slightest _idea_ how to solve even if Ibiki himself was torturing him for a solution... and of course the students wouldn't know either because no one ever taught them about it at the academy.

Because you see.. academy teachers only have to get the students to shut up and listen or to move their ass and fight and therefore never really have to deal with any problems that have to do with the student's personal life. Jounin instructors on the other hand don't have a fixed curriculum which leaves more space for the students to think, act and do things on their own. Which is kind of like telling a kid for six or so years how to swim, bring him into the pool and swim with him on your back and then, when he's gotten used to that, dropping him in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and telling him to swim home while your new instructor sits in a lifeboat saying "What? They already taught you this at school what are you looking at me for?" And of course, being the only one there, the new sensei is the person who the drowning student will cling to.

And that doesn't even _begin_ to describe how the new jounin instructor is feeling. Jounins are the ultimate ninja tool. They are experts in their field, meaning they are experts in fight and survival. They were definitely _not_ made for teaching pre-teens who just hit puberty and have the hormonal balance of an extreme roller coaster plus all those other wonderful things young people go through.

Kakashi did _not_ know how to explain puberty, he just knew that it happened. He did _not_ know how to have the "sex talk" with a teenager. He did _not_ know anything about the female body that could possibly be helpful to a young girl.. what he did know should probably never be talked about in front of a young girl _at all_. And he certainly _did. not. know._ how to explain the emotions his students were having or how to handle a hormonal ticking time bomb.

What he _did_ know was how to survive... and he thanked Kami every day that they'd at least taught him that at the academy because it was the only thing helping him now.

**Story will be 4 small chapters. chapter 2 almost finished.**


	2. Narutos little problem

**Naruto's _little_ problem.**

This was not happening.

This was _**not **_happening.

_**Not happening.**_

At least that's what Kakashi was now trying to tell himself over and over again as he stared at the blond part of his student trio. But no matter how many times he repeated that mantra in his head his student continued to stand there expecting some kind of an answer. The young boy was slightly twitching, stepping nervously from one foot to the other, his blue eyes darting at his teacher and then to the ground again. Kakashi tried closing his own eye and then opening it again but the damn kid was still there.

He supposed he should have suspected something when Naruto showed up to practice one day looking a bit under the weather. Should definitely have thought twice about it when Naruto slowly began to quiet down and even sit quietly on their breaks as if he was actually _thinking_. And he supposed Naruto walking up to him after practice one day and asking him quietly if he could talk to him in private should have been Kakashi's clue to hastily fake a haircut appointment, teleport straight to the mission office and volunteer for the longest mission they could possibly give him.

But nooo. "What seems to be the problem?" He had asked. "Come on, spit it out." He had insisted as his student began hopping between his feet, darting his eyes around and nervously opening and closing his mouth, only letting out the occasional stutter, like he was performing some strange mating dance.

"I-it's _leaking_." His student had finally managed to mutter a slightly confused and horrified look on his face. But not even close to showing how confused and horrified Kakashi was feeling at the moment because if you followed the boy's eyes you could clearly see just what part of his anatomy the boy was indicating and even though this particular student tended to be a bit slow on the uptake Kakashi highly doubted that Naruto was just now discovering just how his body got rid of his urine.

Kakashi of course handled this in a very mature way. It was the same way his sensei had handled the matter when he was young and probably the same way his sensei's sensei had handled it when the Yondaime was a teen as well. That is... he thrust his Itcha Itcha novel into the confused boy's hands with a brief "That should help." and then swiftly teleported his ass out of there, landing right in front of one of the mission desks where he asked a surprised Iruka for the longest mission he had that would take him as far away from the village as possible.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Why me?

Why _me_?

_Why __**Me**_?

Was Kakashi's new rant as Naruto was yet again nervously fidgeting in front of him. It had been two days since their last little _chat_. Kakashi had been denied his request for a mission no matter how much he had whined, bowed, threatened or otherwise tried to guilt trip Iruka into giving him one when he'd asked for it. He had not been begging, Jounins did _not_ plead or beg their inferiors for anything.

Of course Kakashi should have seen this coming. It had been too much to expect for the boy to just take the book and never bothering him again. Personally Kakashi had taken the book when his sensei had given it to him and never mentioned the deal again. It hadn't exactly helped with his problem but he'd found that he didn't really care anymore and much later when he'd thought about it again he'd concluded that it was probably normal and the least of his worries what with Obito dying and all the other crap going on in his life. But of course Kakashi had been a genius and Naruto was.. well.. he was Naruto.

"It's gotten worse!" Naruto urged quietly as he glanced around, not wanting anyone to hear their conversation.

Kakashi just scratched his head as he tried to rack his brain for _something_ that could A. get him out of this situation, B. resolve the matter once and for all, and C. hopefully help his student without causing to much of a damage to the kid.

"Well.. did you read the book?" The famous Jounin asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Yes I read the book." The boy blushed.

"And?" Kakashi wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"It only made it worse!" Naruto cried. "Usually when I wake up it's just covered in this goo but now it's all hard and leaking even more."

_Why me??_ Kakashi cried in his head, if they'd bothered to put this into the job description he never would have passed this blasted class no matter how well they worked together. Obviously the book hadn't given the kid a clue.

"So... it usually happens when you are asleep?" Kakashi asked for lack of anything better to say. Maybe if he could analyze this he could figure out a solution. That seemed like the obvious thing to do. If you had all the pieces then you should be able to finish the puzzle right?

"I don't know, it's just like that when I wake up in the morning." The blond whined as he continued to twitch nervously.

"And you.. uhm.. didn't try touching it or anything?" Kakashi asked the small hole he was methodically digging into the tree next to him with his fingernail.

"I did but that only squeezed out more of that gross stuff! And it felt all weird and tingly so I stopped." Naruto shuddered. "What's wrong with me Kakashi sensei? Do you think someone cast a jutsu on me? It's not infested is it?"

"No I think it's relatively normal." Kakashi managed to mumble. Oh he was sooo not ready to try to explain that. No way, no how. He'd have to find something easy to pin this on and hopefully steer the conversation on to something a little less... mind scarring.

"So.. uh.. what do you dream about? Sakura?... Ino?... Hinata??" Kakashi tried listing all the girls he knew the boy socialized with. Maybe he could just pin this on a crush.

This how ever only resulted in the boy looking at him with a very confused look on his face.

"Why would I dream about them?" He asked surprised. "I always dream about sparring with Sasuke." The blond boy stated like it was the most obvious fact on the planet. "Although after I read that strange book the Sasuke in my dreams always insists on sparring shirtless and goes on and on about how if he wins he'll be on top."

Kakashi blinked. He blinked again. To the outside world the jounin looked as calm and composed as he ever did. On the inside how ever Kakashi was now combining his two mantras followed by the occasional _I did not sign up for this!_ When Kakashi was getting very close to running straight through the thin line that held his sanity together his survival instincts kicked in and he did the only thing he could possibly think of doing.

He grabbed the boy, quickly teleported them both to the mission office where he thrust the blond at a very startled Iruka with a desperate mumble of something that sounded very much like "Help me!" before the jounin snatched a random mission scroll and bolted out of there.


	3. Sakura needs a healer

**Alright third chapter up, this time Sakura has a slight "medical" problem.**

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**Sakura needs a healer**

Kakashi, being an avid reader of Itcha Itcha and one of the most eligible shinobi bachelors of Konoha village, knew a lot about the female body and how to please a woman. It was easy and he was good at it. He could chat up the coldest and most frigid woman out there and have her wrapped around his finger if he wanted to. But more often than not he didn't even have to do anything and the ladies would just swoon at his feet in waves.

Kakashi, however, did _not_ know _anything_ about the body or needs of the adolescence girl. He'd never been with an adolescence girl when he was younger, too busy being a Jounin and an Anbu member for that, and he certainly hadn't been with an adolescence girl when he got older. Quite frankly he hadn't really been around adolescence girls at all and hadn't had a clue what he was in for when he inevitably got one on his team when he took on team 7.

But that all changed with the _incident_.

Later on, when he looked back, he'd think that he really should have seen the signs. A girl didn't just grow breasts and turn into a woman over night… -although Kakashi thought that would have been a whole lot easier for everyone involved and the legendary Tsunade really should think about coming up with a jutsu for that… or Orochimaru, which ever got to it first he didn´t care-… Surely it took some time for girls to mature and change before they eventually turned into the ladies Kakashi knew and loved.

But, even with his Sharingan and all, he failed yet again to see the warning signs before it was too late.

He didn't pay much attention to it when Sakura started clutching her chest and re-arranging her clothes during practice. She was probably just short of breath because the training was getting harder… and how comfortable could it be to train in that dress for Kami's sake.

He did not pay much attention to her mood swings… because quite frankly the girl was nothing _but_ mood swings… So what if she started crying if Sasuke looked at her in the wrong way, Sasuke could make a grown man feel uncomfortable with his Uchiha glare… not that it had ever bothered Kakashi at all… Ever… ok maybe just once or twice, but that kid could seriously give the devil himself a run for his money on the scary factor… and so what if she hit Naruto a bit harder when he was being obnoxious, she was getting stronger and he probably deserved it.

Although, in Kakashi's defense, he probably would have noticed when Sakura started hitting Sasuke and crying over Naruto if he hadn´t been too busy dealing with Naruto's strange behavior and then spending a month cooped up in snow country on some bogus mission that should have been performed by genins and then spending 2 weeks after that stuck in bed with the horrible cold he'd gotten while there.

But then again how was he supposed to know that such behavior was anything out of the ordinary, like it was previously mentioned the girl was _nothing_ but _mood swings_!

The _incident_, as Kakashi liked to refer to it whenever he was forced to think about subjects that were even remotely related to it… which wasn´t often considering Kakashi avoided that thought like the plague, happened not so long before the Chuunin exams.

Team 7, like most new genin teams that year, were trying hard to reach the quota needed to participate in the exams and were this time on a relatively easy, albeit long, D rank mission. All they had to do was deliver a letter to the Mizukage in water country, something a messenger bird could have easily done but Kakashi suspected they would be required to give a statement on their fight with Zabuza there as well. It wasn´t every day that one of your deadlier missing Nins was killed by a genin squad. All in all the trip should only take about 8 to 9 days, 4 days for each trip and perhaps 1 extra day depending on how long the whole process would take.

The mission had been an uneventful success and the team had been in good spirits. Naruto bugged everyone while he tried to impress Sakura and outshine Sasuke, Sakura annoyed everyone but Naruto with her constant outbursts and Sasuke worshipping and Sasuke glared at everything from Naruto to the unfortunate mosquito that dared to land on his forehead protector… which had been quite comical to see since the position required the stoic boy to glare at it cross-eyed, Kakashi would have laughed but he knew better than to mess with the Uchiha's pride. And as usual the silver haired leader of team 7 pretended to ignore his team while he read his book.

All perfectly normal.

Until Sakura started to look a little green and complain about a stomach ache on their second day of travel. At first Kakashi had written it off as sea sickness, they were traveling over the ocean between Water country and Fire country at the time, but it soon became apparent that that wasn´t the problem. His pink haired student didn´t throw up once and judging by the painful look on her face and the way she clutched her stomach almost constantly Kakashi would have to say that she was… well... in pain.

After using all the medical scans Kakashi knew on his student, and he knew a lot being an ex Anbu member and having picked some up with his Sharingan, with no results Kakashi started to suspect that this must have something to do with the fact that she was the only female of the team.

Surely someone had either used a Jutsu on them or poisoned their food. But since none of the other team members were complaining of stomach problems it must mean that Sakura, being the only girl there, had been more susceptible to it. Or maybe she had just been singled out because she was a girl.

Not wanting to distress his student too much… because the girl was emotional enough as it was already… he decided not to mention any of that and just told the girl she probably ate something bad and would almost certainly feel better very soon.

But boy was he wrong.

On the morning of their third day of travel Kakashi had had to carry his emotionally drained and slightly feverish student. The girl had been up all night alternating between crying from pain or threatening to bring about the apocalypse with her angry outbursts. Kakashi had been forced to keep a steady flow of a warming Jutsu in one hand and a cooling Jutsu in the other to ease the girl's stomach pain. He learned very early on when it was time to switch from hot to cold… he´d rather go into a staring contest with Sasuke's glare than have Sakura growl at him like that again. Thankfully by morning the pain seemed to be passing and his student had calmed down considerably.

That is, until the _Incident_ **really** started.

They had been taking a small break in the afternoon to get something to eat and relax for a while. Naruto and Sasuke had both been trying to be in the lead which had inevitably resulted in them starting a race with both of them going faster and faster until Naruto practically keeled over with exhaustion. Sasuke having fallen down exactly 4 second later than Naruto got the right to antagonize him with his weak stamina.

Kakashi was using the time they had for their break to catch up on some reading. He had no problem reading his books in any situation really but having a teenage girl looking over your shoulder while you did it was pretty much where he drew the line. Plus that crazy chuunin from the mission office would probably have a fit if he found out and Kakashi had been dealing with more than enough emotional outbursts on this trip.

Kakashi's reading however was cut short by a desperate wail a few feet away. He would forever curse his instinct to uncover the Sharingan in a crisis because the image of his adolescence _female_ student with her knickers down was _not_ something he wanted _burned into his memory_. At least now he was thankful that the girl chose to wear dresses.

After thrusting his two other students away from the scene and then spending what felt like forever trying to calm the young girl down while staying a safe distance away and looking at everything _but_ her he finally managed to understand her panicked blabbering.

Sakura was bleeding… _down there_.

At this point Kakashi did what any other male Jounin sensei did in this situation... He panicked.

After using every Jutsu he could possibly think of to stop the bleeding without actually having to touch the girl… because there was just _no way_ in all the seven hells that he was going **anywhere** _near_ his female student _there_… the silver haired genius finally cracked. He picked up his student, who had thankfully at some point pulled up her pants again, and then ran like he had the Kyuubi himself on his tail… which incidentally he didn´t because he left both Naruto and Sasuke behind completely oblivious to the fact that their sensei had run off.

And so it was in the middle of the night that a panic stricken Kakashi came bolting into the infirmary of Konoha hospital practically screaming at the nearest nurse that his pupil needed a healer before she would bleed to death.

Kakashi´s mistake number two during that whole fiasco, his first having been revealing his Sharingan, was refusing to leave his student while she was being tended, because the girl was quite frightened and crying at that point. Not that Kakashi thought he could be much help… he certainly wasn´t going to hold her hand and tell her it was going to be all right while the nurses checked her… bleeding.

Later on Kakashi didn´t quite know which one of them had been more uncomfortable during the whole "girl becoming a woman" lecture… but if he´d really have to hazard a guess he'd probably go with himself.

That morning Kakashi managed to startle not only Iruka but all of team 8 too when he teleported into the mission office and practically grabbed the mission scroll that was seconds away from reaching Kurenai's hands.

After making a swift retreat in the same way he came in and then looking at the mission scrolls details Kakashi couldn´t help but feel a little disappointed in what he managed to snatch this time… Probably not as disappointed as Shino though. Because although Kakashi came back knowing every single detail about the new kind of rock beetle that had been found recently in Earth country, thanks to his Sharingan, Shino probably would have enjoyed the 2 week mission a lot more.

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**Those of you who think Sakura is a wuss in this story and that period cramps are not that bad have clearly not had bad period cramps... believe me, they're baaaad.**


End file.
